Today, someone told me that they were worried about me because they thought I didn't feel any emotions. They thought I didn't experience love and that I am some sort of sociopath. Now this came after a comment I made about how my anti-depressants stop me from feeling the ups of life as well as the downs. This, of course, is a complete exaggeration. I do feel happy and I do feel sad but I don't (or rarely), experience it in it's most extreme forms. And I'm okay with this. I'd rather have my emotions stay fairly neutral than have intense mood swings. This being said, I've obviously experienced intense emotions in the past and this blog is going to focus on the biggest, most intense emotion that I've ever felt; LOVE.
I've been in love before. Twice actually. Both times it felt amazing but also quite different. I was quite young when I first fell in love. It was my first boyfriend and I was 16 years old. I'd never felt that drawn to someone before. It was almost like an obsession. I always wanted to be around him or talking to him. It was an incredibly physical relationship but we also connected on an emotional level as well. We could talk about anything. My thoughts were always consumed with him. I loved him passionately but I was also very young and selfish. I didn't know what to do or say to make a relationship work. I took him for granted and treated him like garbage until he couldn't take it anymore. Although he still loved me, I was making him unhappy and he had to do what was best for him. We were together for almost 18 months before he broke my heart and also probably his own.
At this point I plummeted into a deep depression and began to self harm through cutting and starvation. I felt broken and alone. Weeks were spent huddled up in my bed, crying and shaking as I tried to breathe through the pain. It was almost like mourning the loss of someone. I guess in a way it was. I'd lost the person I loved the most. Nothing made me feel better. It was around this time that I finally gave in to my mother's request to see a doctor and start taking anti-depressants. It took me almost a month before I started to feel the positive effects of anti-depressants. While this only took the edge off the pain I was feeling, it helped me gain a little bit more control over my emotions.
While I was getting over the breakup, I became close with a guy who breathed some life back into me. He was one of my biggest supporters and spent a lot of the summer holidays with me, distracting me and comforting me when I wasn't coping. I didn't love him at this point. I just really valued his friendship. He made me feel more human and alive than I had felt in months. It was almost as if I felt normal for a period of time. I knew I could count on him and that he'd do anything for me. Unfortunately for him, he felt differently about me. He told me he liked me, more than a friend and I guiltily turned him down. Now looking back, that was a huge mistake.
It took me roughly six months to realise that I had fallen for him. He'd been through two failed relationships in this time and had probably forgotten about me. When we finally reconciled, I was crazy about him and he kind of liked me. The tables had turned. He just liked having me around and I was drawn to him. I wasn't completely over my ex boyfriend but I wasn't thinking about him very much. One afternoon, I went over to his house to hang out and help him with his history homework. The study session didn't last long and soon we were playing our guitars and sitting in the sun outside. We talked for hours, just like old times. I knew I couldn't push myself on him so I kept my distance and didn't push any boundaries. Noticing I was keeping my distance, he asked me to come closer. I briefly protested but ended up laying down next to him and cuddling him on his bed. As you can probably imagine, we ended up sharing our first kiss. It was soft and gentle but it'd been a long time coming.
Things between me and him didn't end up working out. I was selfish again and still wasn't in the greatest mindspace. I used to think "I didn't actually love him. It was only a rebound". That's what most people would think too. Looking back, I now know I was in love. Maybe it wasn't as intense or passionate as the first time but it was still love nonetheless. It was more gentle and emotional which was what I needed after being heartbroken. If these two men ever see this, I want to thank them for the love they brought to my life. I've learnt how precious love is and how to treat a man with respect without being selfish or cruel. I'm also a stronger woman because of them. They've helped mold me into the person I am today and that's someone I'm pretty proud of.
Emotions can be hard to deal with, and no, I don't feel them as much as I used to. But I do feel them and deal with them on a daily basis. I still miss both of the men I loved and I still feel guilt about how I treated them. I believe love is the reason why we continue to live. It's not just survival. The reason we choose to continue to live is so that we can love and love with all our hearts.